hear hear, case 1: art v. doubt

Lately, I haven't done anything along the lines of creativity. All I've done for the past few months is eat and reblog stuff on tumblr. Last night I had a sort of epiphany, well more existential crisis than epiphany, about what I'm doing with my summer/life. I miraculously stayed up until 5AM and basically decided that I need to step up my game. I reorganized my iPod (because that's the other thing, in addition to tumblr and food, that I only use) and deleted a bunch of stuff that's just cluttering up my personal space. I needed a clear head before I could plan for what I was going to do next, so I watched Tavi Gevinson's Ideas at the House talk. 

Every time I read Rookie articles or about Tavi's/literally any cool young person's life/art, I immediately get that feeling of regret about never dong anything and a sort of aspiration to contribute to art and my environment. In the talk, she discussed fangirling, ideas about authenticity and originality (or lack thereof), and how those things affect your art. She mentioned how she was diagnosed with depression and right after she was diagnosed she felt validated to be, like, this tortured artist and could make all this sad art and what have you. I always knew how dumb that was, but that hasn't stopped me from feeling the same way. For a while, I was stuck in a funk (ytown) and it actually made me feel special and empowered, as long as I kept the sadness and torturedness to an all time max. I've written about this before and since then gotten over it, but hearing it all over again was refreshing and even a wake up call to me, kind of like, "Hey, you're all okay in there. You can come out and have fun now." Because the truth is, I haven't felt the creative authority to be able to do so (well that, and laziness lol). 

Tavi also brought up a TEDxTalk by Emma Simmons-Araya called Pressure, Power, Punk Rock.  Emma, a singer in the punk band "The Potential Lunatics", talked about how being intimidated by all the other art in the world so much that it cripples you in fear of not living up to standards set by others, leading you to pressure yourself so much that you can't and don't want to create anything. She said how she would write songs, then stop at the chorus, reread what she wrote, then throw away the whole song. Stopping, observing, self-doubting, and destroying. A continuous cycle. She realized this process and decided to, instead, kill her idols: the people who are causing you to put pressure on yourself, all the rock stars and great artists and photographers and writers that you aspire to be. Humanize them and realize that you're just like them: artists. Empowering yourself by harnessing the power of that fear and self-doubt and thrusting it into your art, rather than thrusting your art into the garbage.

I go through with the "Stop, Doubt, Destroy" cycle on a way too regular basis. I'll start drawing or writing something and then observe it, decide it's "bad", and then scratch out everything. 

Another thing that reminds me of that talk is Neil Gaiman's "Make Good Art" commencement speech. He makes a point of saying that mistakes are crucial and learning points, especially in art. He says, " I hope you'll make mistakes. If you're making mistakes, it means you're out there doing something. And the mistakes in themselves can be useful. I once misspelled Caroline, in a letter, transposing the A and the O, and I thought, 'Coraline looks like a real name...' And remember that whatever discipline you are in, whether you are a musician or a photographer, a fine artist or a cartoonist, a writer, a dancer, a designer, whatever you do you have one thing that's unique. You have the ability to make art." Every time I read that line, it always has the same, huge impact on me. Mistakes are art. I can make art. You can make art. Even if you, by your or someone else's standards, aren't original, it's your own art. That's what makes it unique, no matter how derivative.

He goes on to say, "While you are at it, make your art. Do the stuff that only you can do. The urge, starting out, is to copy. And that's not a bad thing. Most of us only find our own voices after we've sounded like a lot of other people. But the one thing that you have that nobody else has is you. Your voice, your mind, your story, your vision. So write and draw and build and play and dance and live as only you can." This part was never as influential to me until now. I never have thought that I could be "truly" creative because I could never come up with my own ideas. Everything I've thought of has been thought before and made before. But, as Gaiman points out, the thing that hasn't been there before is you. Then I came across this quote by Patrick Stump," "Focus on the craft. Study the greats. Try and understand how and why they made the writing choices they did. Learn how to write a song like so and so. Then, when you've done that, write a song like yourself. Learn to color within the lines before going outside them." I always thought it was bad or unproductive to be inauthentic and unoriginal, but like he says, you have to start somewhere. 

For a while now, I've wanted to start getting into photography. I never knew how to go about it or what to start with, since it's so broad and you need lots of talent to get the right effect. A while back I did actually start, but I did the same Stop, Doubt, Destroy cycle. Until today, after reading and watching all those things last night, I went around my town and took some photos. Last week, I started writing poetry and posting it on poetfreak.com. I revamped my blog. I restarted my diary. I'm beginning to break the cycle.