sadness /= forever (repost)

[Disclaimer: I have no idea what I was on when I wrote this, but this was almost exactly a year ago (Feb. 2, 2014), halfway into my freshman year. I wrote this for my old blog that I abandoned so rudely, and I wanna delete it once and for all. This was the first thing I ever really put work into for writing not related to school, so it's really important for me. here's a japanese thinking emoji to get u in the mood (*ゝ(ェ)･)ﾉ.｡o○ ]

[Oh, and the edit really is from like the couple days after I wrote it. OK enjoy]


Alright so I'm gonna talk about some real shit in my life right now. Warning: self discovery may appear as pretentiousness (since tons of people already have stated these facts) Approach with caution.

Lately, I've come to a realization that I can actually change the way I think. CRAAAAZZY, RIGHT? This seems painfully obvious, but I don't think that I had really grasped it until now. Or a couple days ago.

~~SIT DOWN KIDS AND GRAB YOUR JUICE BOXES, ITS STORYTIME~~
Once upon a time, there was a small, confused girl named Rachelle. Rachelle had been feeling down. On her way home from school one day, she cried because she didn't have any friends, felt fat, and like that slab of meat after the kick-ass training montage. That night, she listened to the strong words of the great philosopher, T. Swift, she realized, "Holy fuckin shit, I can be, like, my own person. WooOHOOoHohoHOHOOOOoOooo!!!" 
~~The End.~~

Alright, Rachelle is not as dramatic as this Rachel, but that was the gist of the situation. 
I was feeling really shitty and did the whole "i haaaate my friends theyre so annoyyingg" that ALWAYSS is accompanied by the "waaaaa why dont i do anything why do my friends have so many friends why did i make an instagram whyy do they not do anything with me whyyyy" thoughts. This goes on at least once a week. 

But then, as Rachelle experienced, I was in the shower, dancing, singing, and being super happy to "Red" by Taylor Swift and, as cliche as this sounds, it just clicked. I thought, "I'm so happy right now, why am I so whiny and depressed all the time?" Which I deduced it down to being the "addicted-to-your-sadness disease" after loooooong hours of wretched contemplation.

I remember reading this one post on tumblr (this phrase is becoming wayyy too common in my life) that said something along the lines of, "Sadness is not as great as the songs make it feel." For a long time, I had been fascinated with the idea of having problems and being able to, in a way, claim something as my own that necessarily wasn't mine. I can remember now, that each time I was in a depressed mood, I would feel satisfied and like I was part of something special somehow. Something bigger than me. Something I couldn't control, but I really could because none of it was real. I admit that at a lot of those times, there were real reasons for me to be in a depressed mood: my friend was going through a tough time, I put off my homework and had no idea what was going on, I didn't do my chores so I got yelled at, or any other number of superficial things. And yeah, being sad is okay. But I was drawing everrryyytthinnngg out for as long as I could. I would even make up scenarios in my head that would make me sad. I would go on 8tracks and search "sad+alternative" or "depressed+sleep" and would listen to them at night, falling asleep to them and my imaginary and over-exaggerated fuck-ups in my head. 

As I think about this more, I find it coming back to glamorization of sadness. This could be because I just need something/one that I need to blame my past predicament, but I'm not sure.
But what I do know for sure is that I could draw up a list of a shit ton of characters in books, movies, and TV shows that have that distraught, sad, like-me-and-feel-attached-to-me-because-I-think-a-lot-and-I-feel-all-the-time-how-you-feel-when-you're-sad type. And also, they would all have really tough, serious problems and lives and were just down in the dumps a lot.

EX:

Fiona and Debbie Gallagher (well all the gallaghers) from Shameless (US)

Debs is amazinggg love her like i do kk

This lady is so rad, you don't even know.

Ramona Flowers from Scott Pilgrim vs the World

*swoon* 

Kim Kelly from Freaks and Geeks

"I have to be a bitch."

Sam and Charlie from The Perks of Being A Wallflower

*flails*

Jane Lane and Daria from Daria

They don't even need a caption.

Lemony Snicket from A Series of Unfortunate Events

He (and Panic! at the Disco) gave
me a passion for ridiculously big words.

Caitlin and Ingrid from Hold Still (it's by Nina Lacour gooo read it)

This book ruined my life.

Alaska from Looking for Alaska 

This book also ruined my life.

Mia from Fish Tank (this movie is dark as fuck but it was so enticing for some reason. i swear i pretended to be her for like 9 years in this past summer)

I tried to dress like her too. Look at her earrings, do you blame me?

And sooooo many more but I can't think of others for some reason. I might add some later if I think of any more.


And practically all my life, I've admired these rad characters because of this. I thought that their ability to be sad was brave and courageous and that if I did this too, I could be a strong person person, just like them. And I have this really crazy imagination coupled with only-child disorder so when I was at my dad's house and I road my bike or walked around the neighborhood, I would listen to music and think about some of these characters and actually pretend to, essentially, be them. Crazy, right? Frankly, I'm quite embarrassed to admit it. In retrospect, it prooobbbablyyy wasn't a good idea to try and morph myself into these not even real people. It completely baffles me to how much certain pieces of art/media have influenced my thinking and even how I act. For example, I'm pretty sure I  I keep thinking about how if maybe I never did this, or never read The Perks of Being a Wallflower or never watched certain movies or series that were really dark or had such strong themes. I'm pretty sure I would be a completely different person than I am now. Including lighter topics. For example, I never ever would have the sense of humor I have now if it wasn't for The Office or Drake and Josh (god bless them all). And even music. I can't count how many times I've walked down the street on the verge of tears to "Nobody's Home" by Avril Lavigne or "A Fond Farewell" by Elliott Smith. I can see now that literally everything that I grew attached to, I realllyyyyy grew attached to. So I've figured out that maybe this wasn't such a bad thing: to wallow in the sadness of the moment and trying to achieve that feeling more often. It was probably harmful at the time and I probably could have been playing kickball or something besides listening to "Asleep" by The Smiths on repeat for the ten millionth time. Or walking in the rain to "We Are Broken" by Paramore. 

But, I guess that's the whole part in growing up. You learn when you can allow yourself be nostalgic for that sad feeling. When you learn that it's alright to actually feel sad for awhile and then spring back and dance to the Nouvelle Vague version of "Dancing with Myself. When you figure out whether to lay in bed and eat mashed potatoes and go on tumblr and Youtube all day instead of doing your homework. When you figure out that you could actually be productive instead of consuming yourself in that mashed-potatoes-sweatpants-bed feeling. And of course, it means that sometimes that you have no fucking clue of how you want to feel so you just end up laying on your bedroom floor in the dark. As long as you figure out that you can control what you think. 


[EDIT: i wrote this a couple days ago and i just reread this, and i just wanna clarify that im not talking about actual clinical depression or serious mental health problems in regard to the "you control what you feel/think" thing bc i have no idea about if you can or not bc ive never experienced any of those things.]